Kelli, the mom at the blog Hearts Broken/Mom of a Drug Addict recently asked her readers:
“When does the lying stop? Should a parent try to detect all the lies?”
I agree with Barbara, the mom at the blog Recovery Happens, who commented:
“I think that would drive you nuts and cause more frustration than it’s worth.”
Here’s the way I see it. Lies are like static on the radio.
Parents shouldn’t let the noise and distortion interfere with a laser focus on the task at hand.
The task at hand is helping your daughter or son identify and follow a long term, safe and sustainable path to recovery.
The central fact is that the person in question is opiate dependent. The rest tends to be secondary.
This includes the issue that many parents find they obsess about: Are they using or not?
Recovery includes periods of use and non-use. The truth parent’s should care about most is whether or not their child is following a path that is likely to result in a safe and sustainable recovery.
When the focus is a sustainable path to a long range recovery, there is less of a need to lie about periods of use.
Sometimes people who are opiate dependent feel they have to conceal the truth a lot. This can become habitual and automatic. But they aren’t lying to everyone. The lying is usually selective, and based on what feels like self preservation.
As a counselor, when I set conditions of safety for a client, I get open sharing of accurate information.
People lie about use because they don’t want to face the consequences of being honest. Often these consequences are reactive and counter-productive to long term recovery.
Perhaps people are wise to want to avoid them.
The lying ends, of course, when it is safe to tell the truth.
This happens when the person stops using and feels the safety of a stable recovery.
It can also happen when the person is continuing to use, or is using off and on as they seek to stabilize in recovery. But this is most likely to happen if:
the person feels that they have a recovery plan that can work for them
those around them are supportive of the plan
those around them will give the plan time to work
those around them will support them in sticking to their plan during both periods of use and non-use
Maybe we shouldn’t be asking, “When does the lying end.” A better question might be, “Why does the lying continue?”
If you don’t like the lies, your best option is to help create a recovery environment that supports your loved one in becoming more open with you.
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I really loved this article. I see my son in this article and myself as well. My son’s counselor said the same thing. He said that relapsing in recovery is not uncommon nor is it the end. It is just a part of the process. What is important is to get right back on track and for the addict to recognize how he got there again.
This was SO GOOD. I love this line “The lying ends, of course, when it is safe to tell the truth.”
I’m going to link to this on my blog. I think so much of what you share is helpful to us parents. Its like the stages of grief for many of us and in the midst of it, we don’t really know from instinct how to deal with all this, and they sure as heck don’t include it in the parenting books
Thank you for sharing your knowledge, its wonderful to have the perspective of a professional.
I feel a little differently, and I did some thinking out loud over at my blog…. I’m wondering if my difference in opinion stems from the fact that I’m ten years into this journey of watching my daughter battle heroin addiction. My difference of opinion mainly centers around the idea of consequences. (as my daughter says, “that pesky “C” word!”)
Anyway, I truly love this community of bloggers and even if we differ, I learn a lot and value what everyone says…
Tom – I enjoyed your response to HerBigSad’s post about lying and consequences. You mentioned that you don’t believe in letting the addict ‘hit bottom’, that you think family should intervene to facilitate recovery. I’m not sure if you’ve spent much time on my blog, but I could use some suggestions and guidance as to how/what to do with/for my 30 yo heroin addict daughter to begin this process. Right now, I keep track of where she is through a mutual ‘friend’ (recovering coke addict); and, Hayley calls or texts occasionally. I delivered a Valentine’s bag to her (see my post, “Back to Square One”, and the subsequent post. She’s currently living with an ‘old guy’, drugs provided, roof over her head, etc. Thanks for any help you can provide. Peggy