Kelli, the mom at the blog Hearts Broken/Mom of a Drug Addict recently asked her readers:
“When does the lying stop? Should a parent try to detect all the lies?”
I agree with Barbara, the mom at the blog Recovery Happens, who commented:
“I think that would drive you nuts and cause more frustration than it’s worth.”
Here’s the way I see it. Lies are like static on the radio.
Parents shouldn’t let the noise and distortion interfere with a laser focus on the task at hand.
The task at hand is helping your daughter or son identify and follow a long term, safe and sustainable path to recovery.
The central fact is that the person in question is opiate dependent. The rest tends to be secondary.
This includes the issue that many parents find they obsess about: Are they using or not?
Recovery includes periods of use and non-use. The truth parent’s should care about most is whether or not their child is following a path that is likely to result in a safe and sustainable recovery.
When the focus is a sustainable path to a long range recovery, there is less of a need to lie about periods of use.
Sometimes people who are opiate dependent feel they have to conceal the truth a lot. This can become habitual and automatic. But they aren’t lying to everyone. The lying is usually selective, and based on what feels like self preservation.
As a counselor, when I set conditions of safety for a client, I get open sharing of accurate information.
People lie about use because they don’t want to face the consequences of being honest. Often these consequences are reactive and counter-productive to long term recovery.
Perhaps people are wise to want to avoid them.
The lying ends, of course, when it is safe to tell the truth.
This happens when the person stops using and feels the safety of a stable recovery.
It can also happen when the person is continuing to use, or is using off and on as they seek to stabilize in recovery. But this is most likely to happen if:
the person feels that they have a recovery plan that can work for them
those around them are supportive of the plan
those around them will give the plan time to work
those around them will support them in sticking to their plan during both periods of use and non-use
Maybe we shouldn’t be asking, “When does the lying end.” A better question might be, “Why does the lying continue?”
If you don’t like the lies, your best option is to help create a recovery environment that supports your loved one in becoming more open with you.
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I really loved this article. I see my son in this article and myself as well. My son’s counselor said the same thing. He said that relapsing in recovery is not uncommon nor is it the end. It is just a part of the process. What is important is to get right back on track and for the addict to recognize how he got there again.
This was SO GOOD. I love this line “The lying ends, of course, when it is safe to tell the truth.”
I’m going to link to this on my blog. I think so much of what you share is helpful to us parents. Its like the stages of grief for many of us and in the midst of it, we don’t really know from instinct how to deal with all this, and they sure as heck don’t include it in the parenting books
Thank you for sharing your knowledge, its wonderful to have the perspective of a professional.
I feel a little differently, and I did some thinking out loud over at my blog…. I’m wondering if my difference in opinion stems from the fact that I’m ten years into this journey of watching my daughter battle heroin addiction. My difference of opinion mainly centers around the idea of consequences. (as my daughter says, “that pesky “C” word!”)
Anyway, I truly love this community of bloggers and even if we differ, I learn a lot and value what everyone says…
Tom – I enjoyed your response to HerBigSad’s post about lying and consequences. You mentioned that you don’t believe in letting the addict ‘hit bottom’, that you think family should intervene to facilitate recovery. I’m not sure if you’ve spent much time on my blog, but I could use some suggestions and guidance as to how/what to do with/for my 30 yo heroin addict daughter to begin this process. Right now, I keep track of where she is through a mutual ‘friend’ (recovering coke addict); and, Hayley calls or texts occasionally. I delivered a Valentine’s bag to her (see my post, “Back to Square One”, and the subsequent post. She’s currently living with an ‘old guy’, drugs provided, roof over her head, etc. Thanks for any help you can provide. Peggy
My son is 31, and I’m also a ten year into it parent…I thought my son hit bottom when he spent 4 yrs in prison for robbing for his habit…know out and home again, he was doing great for about 6 months and then he began to use again…I so can’t do this again. I will always love him…but he’s just taken so much from our family through this journey of addiction…I know I can’t help him…he is the only one…so as I write this with him sleeping up in his room I know it’s only a matter of ime before he is either on the street again or back in…I’m impressed by what I read on this blog and wish you all great luck with your loved ones…thanks for letting me vent.
D
Diana, thanks for your comment. You and your son are both adults and you have a right to set boundaries to protect yourself. Maybe having him live at home with you is not an option at this point. You said he was doing great for 6 months, so it sounds like he had an intention not to use again. Yet he is using now. The question is, where to go from here. He needs a path to recovery that he believes can work for him and that he is willing to try. What is he saying about that?
I just don’t know what to do. My daughter was forced into rehab over a year ago. She came home last March. She seemed to be doing ok? Until it was painfully obvious she was not making good choices. I gave her a drug test that she didn’t pass. I don’t have the money for a rehab. I found needles and crushed oxy in her room and kicked her out. She moved in with my mom and dad. They are older and seem to not be able to handle her anymore either. She will not admit to using… She never has. She has 2 speeding tickets overdrawn bank account she is trying to go to school and work and nothing is working. I refuse to pay any of it and today she went to the doctor and she has pnuemonia. (my mom paid for her to go to the doctor) I told her I will help her if she just admits to using. She will not. Her friends say she is not doing well, her boyfriend broke up with her last night due to this and all of her family is exhausted. She may have to go to jail because she cannot pay her tickets and she is already on probation at school. I don’t know how to help without enabling.
Hi Dena–Why do you need her to admit she is using? You already know she is using, and she already knows you know she is using. She even did a drug test for you! Drop it. You don’t need the power struggle.
Why won’t she just say she is using? I don’t know, but here are some possible reasons based on my experience as a counselor:
1. She may feel it would be humiliating to admit something she has refused to confirm for so long
2. When the pain is deep, sometimes it’s just too painful to say certain things out loud
3. She is afraid that if she admits she is using, she will open the door to being pressured to do something about it that she does not feel ready, willing or able to do right now
The thing to understand is that she isn’t having fun, and she wants things to change. She just doesn’t see a way out.
Don’t focus on what is “enabling” and what is not. That is more wasted effort. Focus on figuring out what you can do to actually help her that does not violate your own reasonable personal boundaries.
It sounds to me that at this point an important step would be to help her identify a path out of this mess. That means figuring out what her treatment options are and which option she is willing to try.
That will probably take some research on your part. Click on the HELP tab at the top of this page and then go to the bottom of the HELP page and you will find treatment locators for rehabs, buprenorphine providers and methadone clinics. That should get you started.
Just remember, you are offering options. You can’t dictate solutions. She get’s to decide which option she will try and when. And if you let her, she will.