Comments on: Parent of an Addict Asks: When Does the Lying End?

By: recoveryhelpdesk

recoveryhelpdesk — Tue, 08 Feb 2011 02:46:48 +0000

Hi Dena–Why do you need her to admit she is using? You already know she is using, and she already knows you know she is using. She even did a drug test for you! Drop it. You don’t need the power struggle.

Why won’t she just say she is using? I don’t know, but here are some possible reasons based on my experience as a counselor:

1. She may feel it would be humiliating to admit something she has refused to confirm for so long

2. When the pain is deep, sometimes it’s just too painful to say certain things out loud

3. She is afraid that if she admits she is using, she will open the door to being pressured to do something about it that she does not feel ready, willing or able to do right now

The thing to understand is that she isn’t having fun, and she wants things to change. She just doesn’t see a way out.

Don’t focus on what is “enabling” and what is not. That is more wasted effort. Focus on figuring out what you can do to actually help her that does not violate your own reasonable personal boundaries.

It sounds to me that at this point an important step would be to help her identify a path out of this mess. That means figuring out what her treatment options are and which option she is willing to try.

That will probably take some research on your part. Click on the HELP tab at the top of this page and then go to the bottom of the HELP page and you will find treatment locators for rehabs, buprenorphine providers and methadone clinics. That should get you started.

Just remember, you are offering options. You can’t dictate solutions. She get’s to decide which option she will try and when. And if you let her, she will.

By: Dena

Dena — Mon, 07 Feb 2011 22:17:35 +0000

I just don’t know what to do. My daughter was forced into rehab over a year ago. She came home last March. She seemed to be doing ok? Until it was painfully obvious she was not making good choices. I gave her a drug test that she didn’t pass. I don’t have the money for a rehab. I found needles and crushed oxy in her room and kicked her out. She moved in with my mom and dad. They are older and seem to not be able to handle her anymore either. She will not admit to using… She never has. She has 2 speeding tickets overdrawn bank account she is trying to go to school and work and nothing is working. I refuse to pay any of it and today she went to the doctor and she has pnuemonia. (my mom paid for her to go to the doctor) I told her I will help her if she just admits to using. She will not. Her friends say she is not doing well, her boyfriend broke up with her last night due to this and all of her family is exhausted. She may have to go to jail because she cannot pay her tickets and she is already on probation at school. I don’t know how to help without enabling.

By: recoveryhelpdesk

recoveryhelpdesk — Fri, 29 Oct 2010 00:27:24 +0000

Diana, thanks for your comment. You and your son are both adults and you have a right to set boundaries to protect yourself. Maybe having him live at home with you is not an option at this point. You said he was doing great for 6 months, so it sounds like he had an intention not to use again. Yet he is using now. The question is, where to go from here. He needs a path to recovery that he believes can work for him and that he is willing to try. What is he saying about that?

By: DIANA

DIANA — Tue, 26 Oct 2010 06:18:16 +0000

My son is 31, and I’m also a ten year into it parent…I thought my son hit bottom when he spent 4 yrs in prison for robbing for his habit…know out and home again, he was doing great for about 6 months and then he began to use again…I so can’t do this again. I will always love him…but he’s just taken so much from our family through this journey of addiction…I know I can’t help him…he is the only one…so as I write this with him sleeping up in his room I know it’s only a matter of ime before he is either on the street again or back in…I’m impressed by what I read on this blog and wish you all great luck with your loved ones…thanks for letting me vent.

By: Peggy

Peggy — Sat, 27 Feb 2010 22:27:56 +0000

Tom – I enjoyed your response to HerBigSad’s post about lying and consequences. You mentioned that you don’t believe in letting the addict ‘hit bottom’, that you think family should intervene to facilitate recovery. I’m not sure if you’ve spent much time on my blog, but I could use some suggestions and guidance as to how/what to do with/for my 30 yo heroin addict daughter to begin this process. Right now, I keep track of where she is through a mutual ‘friend’ (recovering coke addict); and, Hayley calls or texts occasionally. I delivered a Valentine’s bag to her (see my post, “Back to Square One”, and the subsequent post. She’s currently living with an ‘old guy’, drugs provided, roof over her head, etc. Thanks for any help you can provide. Peggy

By: Addiction, Lies, Consequences and Recovery — Recovery Helpdesk

Addiction, Lies, Consequences and Recovery — Recovery Helpdesk — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 05:50:52 +0000

[...] The blogger at Her Big Sad posted a response to my recent post Parent of an Addict Asks: When Does the Lying End? [...]

By: HerBigSad

HerBigSad — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 03:29:29 +0000

I feel a little differently, and I did some thinking out loud over at my blog…. I’m wondering if my difference in opinion stems from the fact that I’m ten years into this journey of watching my daughter battle heroin addiction. My difference of opinion mainly centers around the idea of consequences. (as my daughter says, “that pesky “C” word!”)

Anyway, I truly love this community of bloggers and even if we differ, I learn a lot and value what everyone says…

By: Barbara

Barbara — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 05:17:17 +0000

This was SO GOOD. I love this line “The lying ends, of course, when it is safe to tell the truth.”

I’m going to link to this on my blog. I think so much of what you share is helpful to us parents. Its like the stages of grief for many of us and in the midst of it, we don’t really know from instinct how to deal with all this, and they sure as heck don’t include it in the parenting books

Thank you for sharing your knowledge, its wonderful to have the perspective of a professional.

By: Monica

Monica — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 03:05:12 +0000

I really loved this article. I see my son in this article and myself as well. My son’s counselor said the same thing. He said that relapsing in recovery is not uncommon nor is it the end. It is just a part of the process. What is important is to get right back on track and for the addict to recognize how he got there again.