You may be able to find housing options via programs for the homeless, vets, or people who are mentally ill. You may be able to put things in terms of helping your parents financially. He may feel bad about not being able to pay his own way, and if you put it in terms of the government or a program giving his parents money instead of him money it may help. It would probably be better for your parents to be his benefits payee instead of having him control his own money anyway.

Under many programs, the definition of homeless includes people who are “marginally housed.” It sounds like your brother would be homeless if your parents did not let him stay with them, so he may meet requirements under these programs.

I would start exploring housing programs (such as those mentioned in the post above), veterans benefits and disability benefits and explain to people the issue with his refusal to apply because of his mental illness. There may be reasonable accommodations that programs will (and may have to under federal law) make under the circumstances.

I’m not sure how old your parents are, but it would be wise to start some planning now anyway, because your parents may not be able to sustain this situation in the long term.

Consider contacting mental health, veterans or other advocacy organizations if needed. You could also contact your federal legislators’ offices. They have staff who will help address your concerns with performance of federal agencies.

I’d start slow with brief, informal conversations and see how things go. In the mean time, you could spend some time exploring options on your own.

I have not worked with anyone in this situation before and don’t have a lot of the facts, so these are just suggested starting points. Hope they help, and best of luck to you and your family.

At the same time, I wouldn’t dismiss the idea that the approach also matters, and can help parents understand a better approach for themselves.

Many counselors/treatment providers (like many parents) are unsuccessful at engaging and retaining clients in treatment. The average number of times a counselor meets with a client is once! Many providers rely on captive (residential) or coerced (corrections mandated) clients to make a living.

In other words, the approach matters too.

In my opinion, the issue isn’t that parents need to stop “enabling.” The issue is that parents need to learn how to both set appropriate boundaries AND provide appropriate supports.

And they need to learn enough about recovery to either help their son or daughter create a realistic treatment plan that is both effective and acceptable to the addicted person, or find somebody who can (not an easy task either since most providers only focus on their own treatment modality and have no concept of how to create a comprehensive, long term and effective treatment plan).

On the issue of respecting parents versus respecting strangers, I don’t “demand” much respect from clients. You can be late, you can no show, you can swear, you can answer your cellphone in the middle of our meeting, and you can get away with almost anything short of violence. I’m not there to teach etiquette, enforce rules, teach discipline or responsibility. I keep my eye on the prize. Yet I get the kind of respect I really want…they keep coming back, keep trying, believe I care about them, and consider what I say and often act on it.

I get that respect because I care more about supporting them than I care about controlling them. That feels rare in their world.

I suggest that parents decide to focus less on controlling use (especially controlling by withholding communication or support), and more on setting appropriate personal boundaries and providing appropriate support that is consistent with personal boundaries.

Thanks for your comment!