Comments on: Recovery Helpdesk http://www.recoveryhelpdesk.com opiates >> addiction >> recovery Fri, 03 Feb 2012 02:24:11 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.1 hourly 1 By: recoveryhelpdesk http://www.recoveryhelpdesk.com/about/comment-page-1/#comment-115 recoveryhelpdesk Fri, 19 Feb 2010 02:55:05 +0000 http://www.recoveryhelpdesk.com/?page_id=2#comment-115 Helga, I don't know enough about the situation to pretend to know exactly what you ought to do in your situation. But in general terms, these are the kinds of things I would be thinking about... When someone has been to jail for stealing (assuming it was drug-related), it certainly would suggest that the person is having difficulty controlling their use. Relapse after repeated residential treatment suggests the same. Significant harm is resulting. Food money is going to buy drugs, and family relationships have suffered. It's hard for her to claim this isn't a problem. And I'm quite sure she knows it. You say that you changed how you interact with her, and an estrangement followed. It sounds like you are not happy with the status quo. And it sounds like the changes you made have not resulted in her recovery (I'm not sure if this was your goal, or if you were simply setting boundaries that you needed to protect yourself). You asked whether you "should" leave her alone. Do you fear that renewed contact might result in the violation of boundaries you need? Or do you fear that contact might do harm to her? Total lack of contact is probably a strain and a source of emotional tension to both of you. One option would be to open some limited contact and see how it goes. This might help you both feel better. You might try a non-judgmental, "love first" approach as opposed to a "tough love" approach and see how that works. In other words, let her know that you love her unconditionally. Let her know what boundaries you need for YOU, and ask her what boundaries she needs for HER. She may need you to meet her "where she is at" before she feels ready to accept your support in moving toward recovery. She probably feels stuck, and doesn't see a viable path to recovery. When someone has tried rehab multiple times and has been unable to maintain abstinence, it suggests that they may benefit from medication-assisted treatment with buprenorphine (Suboxone/Subutex) or methadone. A first step would be for you to learn about these treatments. Then, if you get to the point that you can have a productive conversation about recovery with her, you could ask her what she thinks would work for her in terms of treatment. And you will be able to identify any misinformation or misconceptions she may have about her treatment options. The goal would be for her to be in the position to make an informed decision about treatment for herself. You help with the information; she makes the decisions; you love her and support her in her decisions. I am in the chat room at junkjunk.ning.com a few evenings a week and here and there on weekends if you would like to chat some time. I'd also be happy to chat with her at some point if that is something she she would like. Helga, I don’t know enough about the situation to pretend to know exactly what you ought to do in your situation.

But in general terms, these are the kinds of things I would be thinking about…

When someone has been to jail for stealing (assuming it was drug-related), it certainly would suggest that the person is having difficulty controlling their use. Relapse after repeated residential treatment suggests the same. Significant harm is resulting.

Food money is going to buy drugs, and family relationships have suffered.

It’s hard for her to claim this isn’t a problem. And I’m quite sure she knows it.

You say that you changed how you interact with her, and an estrangement followed. It sounds like you are not happy with the status quo. And it sounds like the changes you made have not resulted in her recovery (I’m not sure if this was your goal, or if you were simply setting boundaries that you needed to protect yourself).

You asked whether you “should” leave her alone.

Do you fear that renewed contact might result in the violation of boundaries you need? Or do you fear that contact might do harm to her?

Total lack of contact is probably a strain and a source of emotional tension to both of you. One option would be to open some limited contact and see how it goes. This might help you both feel better.

You might try a non-judgmental, “love first” approach as opposed to a “tough love” approach and see how that works.

In other words, let her know that you love her unconditionally. Let her know what boundaries you need for YOU, and ask her what boundaries she needs for HER.

She may need you to meet her “where she is at” before she feels ready to accept your support in moving toward recovery.

She probably feels stuck, and doesn’t see a viable path to recovery.

When someone has tried rehab multiple times and has been unable to maintain abstinence, it suggests that they may benefit from medication-assisted treatment with buprenorphine (Suboxone/Subutex) or methadone.

A first step would be for you to learn about these treatments. Then, if you get to the point that you can have a productive conversation about recovery with her, you could ask her what she thinks would work for her in terms of treatment. And you will be able to identify any misinformation or misconceptions she may have about her treatment options.

The goal would be for her to be in the position to make an informed decision about treatment for herself.

You help with the information; she makes the decisions; you love her and support her in her decisions.

I am in the chat room at junkjunk.ning.com a few evenings a week and here and there on weekends if you would like to chat some time. I’d also be happy to chat with her at some point if that is something she she would like.

]]> By: Helga Culbert http://www.recoveryhelpdesk.com/about/comment-page-1/#comment-114 Helga Culbert Thu, 18 Feb 2010 16:57:38 +0000 http://www.recoveryhelpdesk.com/?page_id=2#comment-114 Tom, I have been reading your very helpful comments on some of the blogs listed on your website. My problem is that my daughter, a Oxycoton addict, 30 years old, married, 2 kids, 8 months and 2 years old, has been estranged from me for 2 years. I was an enabler and I quit doing that. Since then, she has withdrawn from all of her family. She stole frequently from her dad (large amounts of money) and she is estranged from him also. She has latched on to her husband's family and they are in touch with her, however in denial about her using. I know she is still using through various sources. She sells her food stamps for drugs and they go to Florida to get pills. My questions is, should I leave her alone (she lives 2 hours away from me) or is there anything I can do. I must add that she has been in rehab 3 - 4 times and always relapsed. She told me that her husband says that she does not have a problem, because you can quit whenever you want. He himself is an addict and enables my daughter (they use together). They both have been to jail for stealing. Thank you so much for any suggestions you may have. Helga Tom,
I have been reading your very helpful comments on some of the blogs listed on your website. My problem is that my daughter, a Oxycoton addict, 30 years old, married, 2 kids, 8 months and 2 years old, has been estranged from me for 2 years. I was an enabler and I quit doing that. Since then, she has withdrawn from all of her family. She stole frequently from her dad (large amounts of money) and she is estranged from him also. She has latched on to her husband’s family and they are in touch with her, however in denial about her using. I know she is still using through various sources. She sells her food stamps for drugs and they go to Florida to get pills. My questions is, should I leave her alone (she lives 2 hours away from me) or is there anything I can do. I must add that she has been in rehab 3 – 4 times and always relapsed. She told me that her husband says that she does not have a problem, because you can quit whenever you want. He himself is an addict and enables my daughter (they use together). They both have been to jail for stealing.
Thank you so much for any suggestions you may have.
Helga

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