The headline of this post is a mixture of fact and wishful thinking on my part.
Sure, many parents do question advice from so-called experts who tell them they should allow their daughter or son to suffer serious harm in order to allow them to hit rock bottom and stop using drugs. But what surprises me is how many parents do not question this advice, even when it should be clear that this tactic isn’t working.
Plenty of harm is piling up, some of it irreversible, but didn’t the experts say something about all this harm leading to recovery?
I have spent quite a bit of time observing and reflecting on this phenomenon. What could make a parent accept advice from an expert to allow their child to suffer serious harm? What could make them persist in this course of action or inaction, even while horrible things are happening to their child right before their eyes? What could make them persist even when it should be clear that the whole hitting bottom thing isn’t working?
Stanley Milgram might offer us a clue. He conducted a series of now famous experiments at Yale in the 1960s. Paid volunteers agreed to participate in a “memory experiment.” A Yale scientist in a lab coat told the volunteers to administer electric shocks to a study subject each time the subject gave a wrong answer. With each wrong answer, the voltage of the shock was increased.
At 75 volts the subject grunts. At 120 volts the subject shouts in pain. At 150 volts the subject tries to quit. The Yale scientist in the lab coat tells wavering volunteers to keep going, and assures one skeptical volunteer that the shocks will cause “no permanent tissue damage.”
At 200 volts the subject screams in agony, and at 300 volts stops responding to questions and mumbles something about a heart condition. The man in the lab coat tells the volunteer to treat non-responses as incorrect answers and administer a higher level of pain. At 450 volts, the scientist finally says the experiment is over.
The real topic of the study wasn’t memory, but response to authority. The study subject who screamed in pain was an actor. But the true subjects of the study, the volunteers, were average people just like you and me.
The study found that most of the volunteers would have stopped administering shocks early in the experiment. This wasn’t easy for them. Many showed signs of extreme stress including sweating, trembling, groaning and digging their fingernails into their flesh. Quite a few experienced uncontrollable laughing fits, and a few actually had seizures. But with the expert authority figure of a scientist in a lab coat encouraging them to continue, about two out of three of them administered every shock right up to the 450 volts, no matter how much the subject begged for them to stop.
This study became very famous in the field of psychology. The findings have been confirmed and found to be true for people across gender, age, occupation and level of education. These volunteers were not a bunch of sadists. They were regular people like you and me.
I can’t help but wonder whether this study might shed some light on why so many parents are willing to follow bad advice and allow their addicted children to suffer serious preventable harm. Especially when better alternatives could both prevent the harm and be more effective in helping their family member transition from active drug use to recovery.
Each of the harms is like one of those electric shocks. And like the electric shocks, the harm tends to become more severe over time.
In trouble at school, lost a job, kicked out of the house, beat up by a dealer, arrested, incarcerated, infected with hepatitis C and HIV, traded sex for drugs or money, raped, attempted suicide, suffers a fatal drug overdose.
450 volts of electric shock would be getting off cheap. And these aren’t strangers. Shouldn’t we be shocked when parents intentionally stand by while preventable harm happens to their own children because they believe it when they are told that they must allow this harm to happen?
I’ve sat in groups of parents and watched them nod solemnly in assent as a so-called expert told them that they were enabling their child’s addiction if they so much as bought them a loaf of bread.
Especially in times of crisis, when we aren’t sure what to do, we look for someone who may tell us what to do. Generally speaking, there isn’t anything wrong with consulting an expert and acting on the expert’s advice. Our ability to follow leadership in times of crisis is a social and psychological adaptation that has served humankind well. But we are all wise to retain our independent judgment and common sense.
Most parents are heroic in their love for their addicted children. They deserve great respect and compassion. Sometimes parents don’t know how to prevent harm to their children. Sometimes parents lack the strength or capacity to continue to try to prevent harm to their children. Some parents feel powerless to effect the outcome of their child’s addiction, and so surrender any hope that they might be able to make a difference. Sometimes parents feel that they have to let go out of emotional self-preservation.
I support parents setting appropriate boundaries to keep themselves and other family members safe and sane. I also support parents who want to take action to keep their child safe, and who want to take action to help them transition from active addiction to recovery.
Voices in the “tough love, anything you do to help is enabling addiction, let them hit rock bottom” crowd tend to shout the loudest. But parents should know that the scientific research is on the side of the experts who say that early intervention is better than waiting for someone to hit bottom, and that enabling recovery requires action.
Don’t believe the scientific researchers just because they wear lab coats. But don’t believe those in the tough love crowd who tell you that you have no choice but to stand idly by and watch the catastrophe unfold, just because they seem to speak with authority.
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Darn it! I had a long well thought out comment here and I accidental shut my browser down and lost it. I may come back later and re-write but for now I will just say a heartfelt thank you for sharing this viewpoint. I agree with you.
Hmmmmm – scared to publish opposing viewpoints in the comments? I think that says even more than the comment I submitted, which is nowhere to be found. . .
So-and-so, I don’t delete comments unless they are offensive in some way. You may have gotten weeded out by the spam filter. Please continue to comment…I welcome having a conversation with you whether we agree with each other or not. Thanks for reading!
Tom – - – I agree with your basic premise. I admit, that I did conduct a “hands-off” approach with my daughter over the last nine months, since she walked out of an expensive medical detox facility last August. But on her birthday on April 6th, when I saw her for the first time in 9 months, my “mother’s intuition” kicked in, and I knew she just wasn’t capable of getting herself out of her deep, dark hole of addiction. She was experiencing escalating physical/sexual abuse – and was the most desperate I’d ever seen her. So, I offered her a ‘hand up’. Who knows if this was the right thing to do? But right now, she is at an all-women’s treatment facility, after going through 2 weeks of medical detox. We’ll see if this ‘hand up’ was what it intended to be. Peggy
Thanks for commenting Peggy. Obviously the status quo wasn’t working, and your daughter was experiencing preventable trauma. Many people who are addicted to opiates experience trauma, and PTSD complicates recovery.
In other words, the harm that results from taking a tough love approach can delay and complicate recovery significantly…the opposite of the intended effect.
It sounds like your hand up approach has helped her get into a safer position and on a path to recovery.
I think it is interesting that you mention “mother’s intuition.” I think that is powerful. I encourage you to listen to that deep level instinct and insight, examine and test the information you get from your intuition using your logical and analytical faculties, and act as you see best.
I have come to the conclusion that just like religeon, there is a lot to learn from 12 step groups. However, 12 step groups are not based on science. In fact, though they say they are not religious they are based on a religious movement called the oxford movement.
My daughter is back home with me now. I offered her an apartment and methadone treatment. She has not used since she came home four weeks ago. I know that this could all change tonight but it seems significant to me that she rejected the option to go into an apt alone where she could easily use. Instead, she wanted to come home. We have had a precious 4 weeks of blessed relief from the horrors of addiction. I do not regret it.
Why do medical doctors refer us to alanon? Why do certified psychologists do the same? This was and is confusing to me.
I have found the most balanced and reasonable suggestions from the NAMI (National alliance for the mentally ill). Their literature agrees with you. There are always people in the group who support a tough love stance but there are also others who say…… But what role does the illness play in this? What response will lead to less harm? These are the questions that I now ask myself.
You were a big influence on changing my way of thinking.
I also want to say that the parents or loved ones of addicts are dazed and confused by chaotic behavior. The addict lies, hurts, steals from and betrays us. We get angry and hurt in a way that you probably do not understand if it has not happened to you over and over again in spite of all your love and best intentions.
I do not judge people who can’t take it anymore. I have been there before. I could be there again. Our society and medical system leave us alone to handle a situation that would be difficult for a team of experts to handle. Thirty days is about 5 months less than it takes the addict to start getting back their judgment but it is all they get.
The mental health system of treatment is even worse. They do not want to admit addicts even if they have tried to kill themselves.
Parents and families are only human. They burn out.
Anna, I’m very glad to hear that things are going well for you and your daughter. I agree with you that 12 step groups have a lot to offer including some great wisdom and insights. They are very good recovery support for many people. They also have their limitations and deserve some fair criticism.
You ask a great question about why doctors and psychologists refer parents to Alanon. I think it may be for some of these reasons:
1. parents really need support and there are not many referral options
2. it’s a way not to have to deal with parent support needs personally or directly
3. it’s a free option
4. most doctors don’t have much specific training on addiction and haven’t taken the time to turn a professionally critical eye on the unscientific pop psychology that suggests that all parents have a switch that can only be set to one of two modes marked: 1) enable or 2) disengage
NAMI is great because it is family based, and the mental health component helps people more easily recognize that free will is compromised, personal responsibility is not absolute, and people often need practical supports if they are going to have a shot at successful recovery.
I think you put it very well when you describe the feelings of parents. I don’t judge parents who can’t take it any more either. And you are so right that the systems are broken and inadequate.
I feel strongly that parents need to know that (if they have the capacity and desire) they often can make a big difference in their child’s life by acting to support recovery. I don’t think this is a message parents get very often. One reason I think this is so important is because the professional systems are so inadequate. Parents need to know how to be educated consumers of services. And they need to know how they might act directly or through advocacy with the systems to improve outcomes for their child and their family.
I appreciate you saying that I played a role in helping you think about these issues. I feel good about that, so thanks!
I am not a parent of an adict but a brother my sister is heavily adicted to roxyset and percoset .I have to Be the concearned parent since our mother died of her adiction and our father is a recovering alchoholoc who’s main concearn is for himself.I do not belive in letting her hit rock bottom because that’s what everyone told us about our mother and I believe that’s partially what killed her. The reality of the situation is that I am empowered to help her however I have no real direction in which way to do so,that coupled with the fact that she is one of the most intelligent and headstrong person that I know makes for an even greater challenge. If she has expressed the want to deal with her adiction wher do I go from here
Mark, Thank you for your comment. It’s great that you are empowered to help your sister. It sounds like your family has suffered a lot from addiction. If your sister has expressed a desire to address her addiction to opiates, then how you support her from there depends on her needs and your willingness/capacity.
She will need to know about her treatment options, come up with a recovery plan that is acceptable to her and likely to work, address any barriers to her success, and implement the plan. You can support her in a variety of ways throughout the process.
Consider your efforts in terms of what is likely to support recovery. Remember that your sister is an adult, and from what you describe a smart and independent adult. Make sure you offer welcome support and avoid efforts to control.
You might want to read number 10 of my series 10 Things You Should Know About Methadone for a description of the major treatment options.
Let me know what you think.
I am the parent of an 18-year-old addict. He was admitted to a 30 day residential treatment center just before Christmas 2009. He returned home with boundaries and attended IOP, AA, etc… We (parents) also attended Families Anonymous and Educational sessions at the treatment centers. We also have 3 younger children at home (ages 11-15). When he returned home we set boundaries for him and also provided support (home, food, help with car/insurance etc…). The conditions of the support were passing drugs tests and maintaining a sober life style. Thing were going great (we thought) for about 5 months, but we caught him with drugs in his room. He was using a substance that was not detected on the drug test for several months (K2) and began smoking pot and taking other things a couple of weeks before. Our agreement was he would not be given any financial support and would not allowed to live in our home if he did not want to quit using (we had a very clear written family contract). We also learned relapse can be part of recovery, but he had to commit to continuing treatment and express a desire to be sober. He chose (emphasis on his choice) to leave our home knowing he would be on his own without any of our support…stating he did not want to quit using. He has been gone a little over a month. He is now in an apartment with a drug addict roommate. He has been able to maintain his job by car pooling and getting rides from others for the time being. We still have open lines of communication and tell him we love him, but will not support him unless he wants to get clean. There is the occasional (maybe twice a month) visit to a restaurant, a loaf of bread or a ride to work. There is also a standing offer to support him in any way that supports sobriety…paying for treatment, rides to counseling, AA, whatever. However, he only contacts us when he wants cash or needs a ride somewhere. We state we love him, but he needs to figure that out on his own…always offering support if he wants to stop using. He has been to treatment, AA, IOP and knows at least one path to sobriety but still believes he is “not that kind of addict” or “it is OK to just smoke pot” or “”.
Like anyone who has a loved one who is an addict there are many stories and details that repeat over and over. I’m not sure if the above describes a situation where “tough love” advice has gone bad or there is a fair balance, but I believe the “tough love” advice is probably given in such a way because most parents would error on the side of enabling….it is difficult not to. The tough love teaching is probably resulting in a practical approach that is more balanced. In my personal case, I am not sure what else to do when the addict won’t express a desire to quit and we refuse to allow our home and other children to be exposed to drug use with the surrounding chaos. We hope to still be in a situation where we can help him if or when he wants help for sobriety, but if he gets in trouble with the law, falls into major debt, suffers abuse or any other consequence it will be his choice….he has an alternate if he wants help and is willing to be held accountable for sobriety. Any suggestions about the alternatives besides “tough love” are welcome, but just stating “tough love” is bad is not very helpful. Maybe the confusion is caused by understanding what “enabling” and “tough love” really are?
Craig, Thanks for your comment.
I do not think what you describe is an example of tough love advice gone bad. You say that you chose not to expose your other children to drug use and the surrounding chaos. This is a reasonable choice. It sounds like your decision was effective in achieving this goal.
But “tough love” is not about setting reasonable boundaries to protect yourself or others in the household. It is about withholding physical or emotional support as a way to control the addicted person.
You do not describe your decision as a way to motivate your son to change his behavior. But maybe that was part of your plan. If so, it hasn’t worked so far. And that is a big part of my problem with “tough love.”
1. It isn’t an effective way to motivate positive change
2. Unintended but foreseeable serious harm often results
3. Other options carry less risk and better outcomes
Your son didn’t choose to recommit to recovery. Instead, he affirmed a plan to keep using, and moved in with a “drug addict roommate.” This means his risk of harm has increased.
Let’s say, for example, your son has been smoking marijuana and snorting prescription pain killers like Percocet or OxyContin. He has no place to stay. He is not willing to go to a homeless shelter, so he moves in with a “friend” who is addicted to heroin and pain killers. This friend injects, and teaches your son how to shoot up. Now your son has experienced a serious progression in his opiate dependence. And he is at higher risk for drug overdose, HIV and hepatitis C. This isn’t progress.
Tough love would emphasize enforcing “consequences” for his relapse. Kicking him out of the house would be one consequence, and no attempt would be made to facilitate a soft landing. In fact, the goal would be to let the person “hit bottom.” An alternative approach would be to look for ways to avoid kicking him out and re-stabilize his recovery (sounds like that happened). And if that failed, then an attempt would be made to help him find other safe housing (this may or may not have happened).
It sounds like transportation is an issue that may cost him his job. If he becomes unemployed, it’s easy to see where a drug habit combined with a lack of income may lead him to criminal acts, homelessness and incarceration.
You say that if he “get’s in trouble with the law, falls into major debt, suffers abuse or any other consequence it will be his choice.” But the problem is that people who are addicted do not have unfettered free will. Their ability to choose not to use drugs is compromised because of the physiological and psychological impacts of addiction. This is why, for example, heroin addicts often “choose” to share syringes with someone they know is infected with HIV or Hepatitis C. Because they are not able in that moment to “choose” not to use just because a sterile syringe isn’t available. And this is why intervention and support (the opposite of detaching and withholding support) is likely to be more effective at limiting drug related harm and supporting recovery.
It seems likely that it will be cold comfort to know that your son’s “choices” contributed to his serious harm. Especially if the harm was foreseeable and avoidable.
My question is, are you actively looking for ways to help him avoid getting in trouble with the law, falling into major debt, or suffering abuse? Or, are you just sort of letting the chips fall where they may in the hope that he will somehow experience the right amount of harm to learn his lesson, but not suffer so much harm that the cure turns out to be more destructive than the disease?
Your son went to residential treatment for 30 days and then IOP for a period of months with no use for the first few months. This was a significant attempt at sobriety. He obviously has some level of desire to be sober. I’m working off of limited facts so it’s hard to be too specific, but my goal would be to look for opportunities to re-engage him, and help him build motivation to make some positive changes in his life. Is he in a position to go to college, for example? I’d be looking for ways to help him stay employed and find safer housing. And I’d be looking to reengage him in talk about recovery.
Without pushing, arguing or judging, I’d try to hear from him about how he sees his past drug use, drug treatment and recovery as well as how he sees his current drug use and prospects for recovery. What are the risks, costs and benefits of his current drug use? Does he see a benefit to recovery (I assume he does since he went to residential treatment)? Does he see a path to recovery that he thinks can work and is acceptable to him?
What does he think prevented him from achieving his recovery goal last time? What does he think made him abandon that goal? What does he think it would take for him to re-commit to that goal? What does he mean when he says that he is “not that kind of addict?” Can he really limit himself to marijuana use, or in his case does that lead to use of other substances with more harmful consequences?
Is he succeeding at being the person he wants to be? Is he satisfied with his relationships with others in his life? Is he on track to have the life he envisions for himself, have the future he hopes to have, and achieve his goals for himself? If not, is drug use part of what is holding him back?
Some suggestions about how to approach your relationship with your son during this time:
1. Let go of trying to control him (he will only resist)
2. Look for ways to support and influence without controlling
3. Stop worrying about enabling, it’s a red herring
4. Make sure you are and feel like allies and not opponents
5. Look for ways to reduce the risk of harm to your son
6. Make sure he understands that you love him and support him just the same whether or not he is using –you are in his corner and rooting for his success
7. Offer him the same emotional and basic physical needs support whether or not he is using (while maintaining appropriate boundaries to protect yourself or others)
8. Make it clear to him that your hopes for him go far beyond recovery
9. Make it clear to him that your goal is not to control him or his drug use, but you are concerned that he is having trouble controlling his own drug use and therefore is at risk for serious drug-related harm (recovery is a means to an end –freedom from drug-related harm)
It’s good that you are maintaining contact with him. Keep in mind that he is almost certainly feeling ambivalent about his drug use. His recovery process is continuing even though he is currently using. Keep him as safe as you can as he works his way back around to another push for recovery. It will come, and probably sooner if you are actively engaged and supportive.
I truly appreciate your thoughtful response! Very helpful.
I do have a few questions for clarification, learning and understanding based on your list of suggestions:
1. Let go of trying to control him (he will only resist)
– I believe we have learned controlling will not work. Not only will he resist, but you simple cannot control another person. They need to have their own passion or desire for their behavior, future and relationships. That being said, when someone is living in your home (with other children in our case) setting boundaries like curfews, basic chores, honesty, no illegal substances in the home, etc… seems appropriate. Given our past issues with drugs and honesty our son was also required to pass drugs test to be live in our home. When a test failed we allowed the option to stay, but he had to be willing to continue to work towards recovery…he would not. At least not yet…
2. Look for ways to support and influence without controlling
– We are maintaining contact and open lines of communication. Offering support for ANYTHING related to recovery. Encouraging him to participate in family activities, church with the family, etc… I believe part of our influence and support is by showing an example of a different lifestyle than he has chosen.
3. Stop worrying about enabling, it’s a red herring
– Similar to my first post. I understand the words, but there is a practical line for allowing someone to take responsibility for their own actions versus letting them use you as a doormat and running behind them cleaning up their mistakes.
4. Make sure you are and feel like allies and not opponents
– Done. At least in our mind. We have told him over and over that we believe in him, love him, know he can have a bright future. We recently offered to help him pay for college. This offer came with accountability and responsibility for working towards recovery. He initially accepted, but then refused the offer for help. He stated he would rather be able to use than accept our offer. We made it clear he was choosing a drug over 4 years of paid tuition. He appears to still be harboring some anger…maybe at us, maybe at himself, probably at the world. He wants this to be a us versus him thing, but we have continued to let him know we are on his side.
5. Look for ways to reduce the risk of harm to your son
– This is the most difficult for me to interpret in my situation. Part of the consequences for not living within our boundaries at home were losing some of our support. His car was in my name and cannot be transferred to him name (lease). So when he chose to leave he also chose to leave a car, home, etc… He still has his job and is self supporting for now (likely not long term given his income). We have helped with some basic needs…food. If he eventually loses his job and needs a home it would seem counterproductive to allow him a “free pass” without consequences. I am not willing to pay for his housing, car, food, utilities for him to live on his own and continue to use. Letting him drive a car in my name when I know he is a drug user would also seem to be me in a legal liability situation I am not willing to risk. He knows he can get some support from us, but has to also be working towards recovery. His statements to use are the typical “I can quit if I want.”, “I don’t need help.”, “If I want to get sober, I just have to suck it up and do it.”, “There is nothing wrong with what I am doing…it is legal in other countries, lots of people do it, etc…”
6. Make sure he understands that you love him and support him just the same whether or not he is using –you are in his corner and rooting for his success
– Done. See #4
7. Offer him the same emotional and basic physical needs support whether or not he is using (while maintaining appropriate boundaries to protect yourself or others)
– See #5. This is where we are struggling the most. The definition of the details for “appropriate boundaries” seems to be the thing we are grasping for. Do we pay his rent, allowing him to drive a car in our name, pay for his insurance, etc…I am really struggling that this would help him reach recovery.
8. Make it clear to him that your hopes for him go far beyond recovery
– Done. See #4
9. Make it clear to him that your goal is not to control him or his drug use, but you are concerned that he is having trouble controlling his own drug use and therefore is at risk for serious drug-related harm (recovery is a means to an end –freedom from drug-related harm)
– Done. See #4. We have also participated in counseling and family sessions where he has heard over and over the risks of his use. He has also heard that he has the freedom to succeed or fail on his own, we will not try to control him but offer support for sobriety.
Craig, Great questions and comments, which confirm my hunch that you are far from an example of “When Tough Love Goes Bad.” I don’t have time to offer you a thorough response at the moment, but I will, so please check back. In the mean time, could you give me some more details about your son’s history? Is he opiate dependent (addicted to heroin or pain killers like OxyContin? Thanks, Tom
His drugs of choice are marijuana and xanax. We obviously don’t know everything, but he has also experimented with many other things (acid, cocaine, mushrooms, codine, hydrocodone, ecstasy). He has never admitted to heroine or meth or any injections. When he was checked into the ER before rehab he was positive for pot and xanax. We have never had a positive test for the others, but he has stated use for the others listed. We believe his current use is marijuana (probably on a daily basis) with xanax and ecstasy on weekends or more frequent. He was smoking K2 soon after rehab because it would not show up on a drug screen. When he “crashed” before rehab it was from continued escalation of xanax use until he was almost incoherent…slurred speech, excessive weight loss, memory loss, physical appearance and posture became very poor. At this point he really just doesn’t “see a problem with his use”. He is about 18.5 years old. His use probably started “casually” late middle school, but smoking pot started probably on a more regular basis when he was 16 (after my Father died…they were very close…my Father was also an alcoholic). He has also been treated for depression in the past (zoloft), but never any other diagnosis for mental illness. He has been seen by physiologists, counselors and psychiatrists. I currently have great insurance that have allowed these options, but in a few months when he turns 19 his options will become VERY limited. He has great immediate family and extended family support available, but he is in the process of burning those bridges and relationships with his current behavior. He his very aware of all the above…we have very calm and blunt conversations, but he doesn’t care or believe the realities. Not sure he even really believes he is an addict at this point….says he can quit if he really wants to…just “has to suck it up and do it”.
I’ve been reading your philosophy regarding having a loved one with an addiction, and have to agree with what you are saying. My 24 yr. old daughter, who was a star athlete, good student and loving daughter, has been addicted to opiates since she was 14-15 years old. I’v tried it all, tough love, which I believed contributed to her contracting HepC and intravenous use (now uses herioin). She is currently under the court jurisdiction, and is still able to get around the system (she tucks urines when her color is called). She lives with me, doesn’t work, runs amuck, and has roughly 5 weeks of probation left before she will be on her own again. I’m not sure what to do anymore. I know if I go before the judge, he will put her in jail, as she has time hanging over her head. She has already spent 30 days in jail. This didn’t work either. Help, not sure what to do.
Hi June –”What to do” is not a quick and easy question to answer, as I’m sure you realize. A quick thumbnail sketch of the process:
Clarify your own needs and personal boundaries (these are about you and not about her).
Help her identify her own needs –what, if anything, she wants to change about her life and her relationship with opiates. If she is “happy” with things the way they are, then you either must work on helping her to feel safe acknowledging that she is not happy with things the way they are. Or, you must work on helping her become aware of the need for change.
Once she has identified a need for change, you must help her identify a way to work towards change that is both acceptable to her and likely to work.
Then, you need to support her in her way forward.
Thank you. Hooray for the snowstorm!! I decidely stayed home from work and took your advice to sit and have a talk with my daughter. She was indeed “using” but claimed to be taking klonapins(sic) in addition to suboxone to help her detox. Although I did not see her administering the suboxone to herself. She is still in denial. I suggested that she go to a 30 day detox, to which she said “and what is that going to do?” I continued talking with her, and let her know that a few weeks ago I spoke with her PO and let her know I believe she tucks her urines when her color is called. She became increasingly upset and ask why I would do that, to which I replied that since she was cleaning herself up, she wouldn’t have to worry about being confronted on her screening. A few minutes later, she said that she’d let me know by Friday as to whether or not she would go to a rehab. She has an appointment to see her PO on the 2/8, and I believe she now wants to “skirt” the issue by admitting herself into rehab. As I of course will not object, I feel she would be doing it for the wrong reasons. Today is her 24th birthday, and its been over 9 years since she had a sober birthday. I would like next year (with the help of God) to see her clean and sober. I’m debating whether or not to call her PO and giver her a heads up on her continued drug use. If I do, there is a chance she could face significant jail time (possibly 2-1/2 years). I’m so scared and confused, I just keep going back and forth and can’t commit to a solution.
Hi June, I wouldn’t assume that because she did not jump at the chance to go to a 30 day detox that she is in “denial.”
Please read my last comment more carefully. Note that I said that you should “help her (HER!) identify a way to work towards change that is both acceptable to her and likely to work.” And then support her in implementing her choice.
I did not suggest that you pick a path to recovery for her and then threaten her with jail if she didn’t hop on board your plan.
I think it is likely that she is not so much in denial but rather reacting to your effort to impose a path to recovery that she has not chosen, and does not appear to think would be helpful or effective.
Your daughter may be right. A 30 day detox may not be the appropriate treatment for her at this time –especially if she does not recognize any benefit in the option, and you are not able to articulate the benefit to her in a way that motivates her to accept this option. And there are other reasonable options.
On the issue of taking action that may result in your daughter going to jail, I would note that you may cause your daughter to experience serious harm with no significant benefit. Sometimes parents turn to the criminal justice system out of frustration and desperation. You have a long way to go before you have exhausted all of your other options to promote her recovery.
If you are feeling stuck, scared and confused, you might consider scheduling an educational session with me either for you or for your daughter or for each of you separately. You can read about this option under the HELP tab at the top of the page. I think you are at a point where you might really benefit.
Amen to all of it!